Here are some of my thoughts on your paper, and where I think you could improve.
In the introduction, you take way too long to get to your points after stating your main point of the paper. It made the paper seem boring and hard to read as I was unsure what the paper was going to be about. In addition to this, I think that your argument is a little lacking. Instead of asking so many questions in the opening paragraph, it may be better to first state your argument, and briefly explain your statements.
I also think that you should stop asking so many questions, and instead boldly state your arguments.
You do not have a title for your paper.
You also make many claims that seem to not be backed by evidence or any sources. List the sources you used to make the claims in the paper. Without it, how am I supposed to believe that what you are saying is true?
You also do not fully analyze the quotations that you pull out from sources. I think that you should expand upon what the quote means, and what it signifies.
Is there a counter-argument to your paper? It may strengthen your points if you can include a counter-argument, and refute it.
You also have many grammatical errors, and run-on sentences littered throughout the essay. I suggest you read over the paper and revise these mistakes.
Your work cited page also seems empty. Find more sources, and add them to your works cited page and paper.
Hope this helps,
Taiga Akiyama
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